[ 12 Frat Row ]

There's something about walking up to the chapter house and going inside that still gives me butterflies. Maryland's fraternity row is very impressive, with fourteen houses that are all the same and situated in a U shape. Greeks and non-greeks, students and visitors, even the random passerby, have all commented about how nice the row looks and how impressive the houses are. Maybe thats why I still love walking up to the house, no matter why I'm going there, but deep down inside, I know it's so much more than that. 

The first time I ever stepped foot in the Zeta house was fall recruitment in 2014. 

I didn't originally plan on doing fall recruitment when I had to pull out of recruitment earlier that spring. I just figured I'd wait until the next spring, and go through formal recruitment. But then I learned that Zeta was doing fall recruitment, which they do not usually do, this was a rare opportunity. Now by the beginning of sophomore year, I had many friends in most of the sororities on campus, and I had a good idea what each of the chapters was like. Oddly enough, Zeta was the one sorority I knew the least about. I only knew two girls in the chapter and those were simply through mutual friends, and I really knew nothing about the personality and reputation of the chapter. All I knew about Zeta was what I had heard from my high school college counselor, who was a UMD ZTA alum herself, and what I had learned from media and personal research on different sororities. Looking back now, that made all the difference.  Going in with a completely open mind allowed me to look at the chapter for what it was, and not what I wanted it to be. So fast forward to those first steps into the Zeta house. I went by myself, and walking up to the house was definitely nerve racking. Obviously I wanted them to like me, and I did not want the conversations to be awkward, but most of all I wanted to stay true to myself and not give them a fake perception of who I was. 

Many people will say that you'll "just know" a few things immediately when they happen- when you meet the right person to spend your life with, when you find your perfect wedding dress, and what chapter you're meant to be in during recruitment. I was nervous, that because this was not formal recruitment, I'd have nothing to compare Zeta to, and I wouldn't get a clear sense of if it was a good fit. Wrong.

From the moment I walked through the door of 12 Frat row, I felt home. The girls were warm and welcoming, and even the house itself was very homey. (I always like to tell people how it has the same colors on the walls as my living room at home, making it even more like home to me). Never once did I feel awkward, the conversation seemed to flow, I got along with every girl I met, and never once did I feel pressured to be someone I wasn't. I knew right away that I could spend the rest of my life as a part of this amazing sisterhood. 

As soon as I joined, I was welcomed in with open arms. Walking across campus meant running into multiple sisters and saying hi to me, and I gained so many more friends in my classes. I gained a support system of more than 100 sisters who can help me with almost every different thing that comes up. Whether it is helping with school work, attending an event, or even donating to one of the many different causes I have fundraised for, I have always found that sisters are usually willing to step up and help.  

The girls in my chapter are from so many different walks of life, and yet we are all accepting of each other. There are blondes and brunettes, science majors and dance majors, native and foreign born, red fish and blue fish. And yet we all get along so beautifully. Put over 100 girls together, and you're bound to have squabbles and drama. Sure, there are definitely disagreements at times and not everyone always sees eye-to-eye, but without a doubt, I really believe any of my sisters would come to my aid if I called them at a time of need, even in the middle of the night. Likewise, I'd be there for any of my sisters if they ever needed me, and even if I'm not close with them or don't always get along with them, I have the utmost respect and appreciation for who they are as my sister. I have never been a part of a more accepting, loving, supporting, understanding, and all around amazing group of people. Needless to say, accepting the bid to join Zeta was a no brainer. And it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Every day, I grow more and more in love with my sisters and our chapter and Zeta Tau Alpha as a whole. 

I think thats why I still love going to my sorority house. I'm reminded every time of the appreciation I have for Zeta, for the love that they've showed me, and how privileged I am to be a sister. Its been 117 years since our founders established ZTA, and yet here I am walking into the house, holding myself to the standards and values they set out for us in our creed and wearing the same crest as thousands of women before me. But more importantly, I love coming home, to my home away from home. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is with Zeta. 

✽ Feels like home to me, 

Zeta's home to me ✽

[ The D Word]

“Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”

-Brené Brown

I have depression. There, I said it. 4 years ago, I would have been so scared to even talk to anyone about that. Even still today, I'm careful about whom I straight up tell that too, and I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of it being such a taboo topic.

I'm sick of having to deal with it behind the scenes.

I'm sick of hearing people not admitting that they have it.

I'm sick of people not getting the help they need.

And I'm sick of hearing about people taking they're lives through suicide. 

Now before you jump to conclusions, no, I've never been suicidal. I've never gotten to the point where I even thought about taking my own life, I've never been in a place that deep and dark, or gotten to that point of desperation for relief. But I have known many people who do get there, and I know a lot of people who have thought about it. Thankfully, everyone I know battling it right now is still here today. 

My depression began the middle of sophomore year of high school, and by the summer of 2011 rolled around, I had depression, mild anorexia, and PTSD. Anyone who has ever had even one of the 3 knows how hard it can be, so the cocktail of all three wasn't a pleasant time. I spent most of that summer at home every day, spending my time reading books or watching TV.  I rarely talked to my friends - the very few I hadn't isolated from my life - and used food as a way to maintain control over some part of my life. 

The scariest part of that summer was this: if you asked me if anything was wrong, I'd say no, and that I felt perfectly fine. 

My family would make little comments every now and then, saying I should eat more or asking if I was okay, but I'd brush them off. I didn't want to accept that anything was wrong with me. If something was wrong, then I must have failed, and I must be screwed up and need help. It wasn't until one night I noticed that so much of my hair had fallen out that my ponytail was basically 1/4 the size it used to be. The memory is still clear as crystal, walking downstairs to find my parents by the computer, looking at them and saying "I don't know what's wrong, but I need help". I cried myself to sleep that night, but I felt a little better, accepting the fact that something was wrong and knowing I was going to get the help I need. I was finally hopeful again. 

Eventually I got the help I needed, saw the therapists and psychiatrists, started on medication, and mentally worked hard every day to see the good in everything. Slowly but surely, I learned how to gain control over my life again, my thoughts and emotions, and release the strict control I had used on my food to compensate. I got back to a normal weight, found an amazing group of friends, and the rest of high school was amazing. An upward battle, but an amazing recovery. I was able to get back to a place in life that I did not need to be on medication anymore, and stopped right before coming to college. 

Fast forward to sophomore year of college. By the middle of sophomore year, I was having a good year school wise, I had joined my amazing sorority and found so many wonderful friends. And living with my two best friends from freshman year was as exciting as I had hoped. Plus, I had found the most amazing guy who was everything that I ever could wish for. 

Yet I found myself having down days again.

 Never to the point I did before but still unlike the normal "bad day" that is common for most.  My depression was now more of a gloom, a fuzzy dark cloud that made my mood melancholy and my appetite disappear, lack of motivation to do anything and no desire for human interaction. My depression had changed from what it was in high school, and one of the main differences was that I was aware that I was prone to it, and could recognize when it was hitting. Those closest to me knew that I have it, so I was able to talk to them about it, which is the most amazing thing and makes so much difference. I decided to contact a professional again, and go back on a low dose of medication. It wasn't an easy choice, because part of me still felt like I was admitting defeat and that I was not able to be happy by myself, but I knew it was better to get the needed help than suffer more than I had to. 

And I also knew that as hard as it was before, I had overcome it. 

"Fall down 8 times, get back up 9 times."

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

"Forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you"

Everything happens for a reason is one of my mottos in life. It didn't used to be, trust me. But anyone who had been through tough times and survived, or overcome hardships in life, can attest to the fact that they grew from them, if not in strength than experience. 

Isolating my friends eventually taught me the importance of a close friendship, being completely open with those you hold close, and to not allow my introverted depressed tendencies to let me lose the ones I love. I have learned to not spend time on friendships that are toxic, and to foster the ones that will help me grow. I have been able to find friends who not only accept me for who I am, but love all the differences and embrace me all the same. Even just this year God has blessed me with friends who have become so close and precious to me, who know how I feel, can relate to me, and thus support me in ways that others cannot. And to my beautiful little Julia, and my fast friend Jamiee, you two mean more to me than you will ever know. 

A toxic relationship and break up taught me the importance of finding someone who values you more than you can fathom. I appreciate my wonderful boyfriend and our amazing relationship so much more than I probably would have, because I know how special it is to have found that person. He has become such a rock for me when I'm going nuts, dealing with stress or depression some days, or even just every day, making me laugh and making sure I know how special and beautiful I am. Ladies, if you find a guy like that, you've found a keeper. I thank God every single day for him, and truly believe he came into my life at the perfect time. 

Most importantly, the fact that I've overcome depression before reminds me that it is possible to beat it. Life is so beautiful. If you try hard enough, you can find a reason every day why life is worth living. Diving deeper into my Catholic faith has brought me not only peace of heart and mind, but hope and inspiration. So many others including the saints have struggled with the same things I do, and they're perfect examples of using their struggles to grow closer to the Lord, as well as to keep on living. 

Now that I'm getting to the end of this post, I don't really remember what message I was trying to clearly convey when I started writing it. But that isn't really a bad thing. Everyone will probably get something different out of it I guess,  depending on what they're looking for, and I hope that it is something beneficial. 

If you know me but didn't know this about me, now you do.

If you were too afraid to accept how you've been feeling but it kinda sounds similar to this, please please talk to someone.

If you already know you have depression then you're ahead of the game. Let's be friends, cause its so much better knowing you're not alone. 

And if you've ever contemplated taking your own life, or currently are, don't. I love you way too much, you're so special, and it would be such a sad thing to lose such an amazing person as you. It gets better. You are loved. 

You're here for a reason, and life is an exhilarating adventure.

"But whatever experience we have, whether it is good or whether it's bad, we can always remember it and learn something from it. And it's those moments... when something touches you, something opens up something that you didn't realize before, you feel a longing, you know, that you never felt before."

 - The Human Experience 

“I just want you to know that you’re very special… and the only reason I’m telling you is that I don’t know if anyone else ever has.” 

-Perks of Being a Wallflower